HOW

Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) is a peer support group for gay, bisexual, pan or fluid husbands/partners of women (either married or in a committed relationship), who either have or intend to come out to their wives/partners about their sexuality. Our mission is to support each other as we try to find our individual paths to happiness. HOW members help each other as we redefine our relationships with our spouses, family members, friends, colleagues, even as we may be learning to understand our own real selves.

We try not to give advice; rather, we share our personal experiences and the ways in which we have handled our own lives.  We support mixed-orientation relationships; we advocate neither for nor against divorce/separation, but we accept that among the many options considered by our members, divorce may be the right path for some.  We encourage those who have gone through divorce to remain on the list for the support and understanding they can offer others – both the positives and the negatives of their experiences.

Our subjects or “threads” vary from discussions of our sexuality, our relationships with our wives/partners and children, the process of coming out to family, friends and others, the sharing of humor (it is needed to break depression that may prevail), spiritual discussions, book or movie reviews or discussions, men’s health and sex issues, and anything that helps us support one another.

We demand civility and a humanistic approach in all we say to each other. HOW is an unmoderated forum; members post to the group without review or approval by a moderator. Consequently, it’s important for all members to be respectful and sensitive to the feelings of others. Our dialogue here is amazing in its breadth, depth, and value, and we don’t want to discourage or poison it by losing the ability to say what we feel while respecting the often-differing feelings of others. We must be careful in how we disagree, how we express our feelings, and how we interpret what others are expressing.

HOW seeks to create and protect a community that is inclusive of diverse identities within our group definition of “husbands out to wives.”  Those diverse identities include but are not limited to nationality, ethnicity, race, age, religion, ability, marital path, gay/bi/pan/fluid/queer orientation, gender identity, gender expression, sexual practice, and political perspective so long as identity expression is civil, inclusive, and supportive of the HOW mission to support members on their various paths in the context of their mixed orientation relationships. HOW protects civil inclusive discourse, creates select specialized safe forum spaces, pursues inclusive membership for qualified persons, supports the use of preferred pronouns, seeks inclusive language, and is open to member feedback for continuous improvement.