Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) is a support group for Gay or Bisexual men who are either married to, or in a committed relationship with, a woman; and who either have or intend to come out to their wives/partners about their sexuality. Our mission is to support each other as we try to find our individual paths to happiness. HOW members help each other as we redefine our relationships with our spouses, family members, friends, colleagues, even as we may be learning to understand our own real selves.
We try not give advice; rather, we share our personal experiences and the ways in which we have handled our own lives. We do not advocate either for or against divorce nor separation, but we never fail to realize that among the many options considered by our members, divorce may be the right path for some. We encourage those who have gone through divorce to remain on the list for the support and understanding they can offer others – both the positives and the negatives of their experiences.
Our subjects or “threads” vary from discussions of our sexuality, our relationships with our wives and children, the process of coming out to family, friends and others, the sharing of humor (it is needed to break depression that may prevail), spiritual discussions, book or movie reviews or discussions, men’s health and sex issues, and anything that helps us support one another.
We demand civility and a humanistic approach in all we say to each other. HOW is an unmoderated forum; members post to the group without review or approval by a moderator. Consequently, it’s important for all members to be respectful and sensitive to the feelings of others. Our dialogue here is amazing in its breadth, depth, and value, and we don’t want to discourage or poison it by losing the ability to say what we feel while respecting the often-differing feelings of others. We must be careful in how we disagree, how we express our feelings, and how we interpret what others are expressing.
The men in HOW represent a wide variety of approaches as far as relating their sexuality to their marriages. Some have no M2M (Man-to-Man) intimate relationships, while others do with the support of their wives. The diversity of ways in which couples handle outside relationships or activity, or monogamy, is wide.
One of the commonalities many of us find among ourselves is a lack of real male friends; guys we have bonded with, guys we share our lives within the same ways as many others do with a few close friends. HOW is a forum where we can bond with others facing similar issues in life, many times in ways we’ve never been able to do before.
In addition to our online support group HOW also has Annual Gatherings around the country where the members can meet in a safe environment for support, friendship and camaraderie. Members also hold regional mini gatherings in locales where there is interest.
Our Mission
Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) is a support group for Gay or Bisexual men who are either married to, or in a committed relationship with, a woman; and who either have or intend to come out to their wives/partners about their sexuality. Our mission is to support each other as we try to find our individual paths to happiness. HOW members help each other as we redefine our relationships with our spouses, family members, friends, and colleagues, even as we may be learning to understand our own real selves.
Our Vision
We seek a brotherhood supportive of diversity, recognizing that we have our individual heritages, values, and cultures, while sharing common human needs. HOW members work towards personal pride and acceptance of our sexual and gender identity first for ourselves, and then by the people we love, and then by the world around us. We recognize that the path to self-realization and to happiness is different for each HOW brother. We work towards a world in which people are valued for their individual humanity, talents, and personality, a world where everyone is entitled to seek happiness in their inter-personal relationships, and to enjoy fulfilling social, sexual and loving relationships.
Our Values
- We respect human dignity.
- We understand that individuals grow and change.
- We believe in diverse paths to individual happiness.
- We recognize the right to everyone’s own world view, religious beliefs (or non-belief), and opinions.
- We accept each-other where each is, in coming out, in defining our marriages, and in building our own future and sexual and gender identities.
Join Us
If you’re a gay or bisexual married man who is out to, or committed to coming out to his wife and are interested in joining HOW, contact us for more information or visit our membership page to join.
Member Testimonies
Coming out to my wife was the most difficult thing I have done. Once I finally accepted that I was gay I was done with lying and hiding. I felt so alone with little hope and no friends I could turn to. When I found HOW I also found a group of men going through … Continue reading 68, Out to wife 2 years, married
Husbands Out to Wives 